July 31, 2002

Duck Butter. Most people don't like to talk about it, but yet everyone knows exactly what it is. It's there when you wake up in the morning and when you go to bed at night. Some people have more of it, and others have less. You can try to get rid of it, but you never remove it all. So what is Duck Butter? The literal definition varies slightly from person to person, but overall we all understand it as the same thing. Some people know it as Mother-In-Law Salve or Uncle Ointment. I guess it depends on who you ask.

Most historian believe the origins of Duck Butter date back to the Stone Age and yet it still thrives today. It has withstood the test of time to become an integral part of our lives, even though most people never even realize that it exists. Well I do and I would like to enlighten you folks. Duck Butter has been swept under the carpet too long!

(Beware: the next section is somewhat graphic)

To understand what Duck Butter is take your middle finger and slide down the back of your boxers, briefs, or panties (in Craig's case). Feel your way into your crack and past your anus (no tickling). You may need to use your other fingers to spread the great divide, if your pants are too tight. About an inch past your poop-shoot and not quite all the way to your nuts or koochie (yeah, still talking about you Craig), you'll find a nice smooth patch of skin otherwise know as the taint. Use your finger to remove some of the film found on this area. Pull your hand out carefully, so as to not lose any of it and take a look at it. It may appear clear like water or thick and milky. You may have a lot on your finger or maybe just a hint of moisture.

This, my friends, is Duck Butter.

Although it is found in the taint region, it is believed to be generated in the crack. Some believe it is a byproduct of sweat having been churned up during activities such as running, walking, or humping like rabbits. Then, with the help of gravity, it migrates south. Despite what it looks like or how much there is, the point is that you have it. It's not something to be ashamed of - it's just a fact of life.

(End of somewhat graphic section)

You may be asking yourself: "Why in the hell did he feel the need to tell us that?" or "Why does my finger smell so bad?". The smell problem may have something to do with hygiene, but that subject will have to be addressed at a different time. The reason I introduced you to Duck Butter is two-fold: One is that I just like to go "over the line", the other is that I want to introduce you to a new feature found on GeeksOnTheWeb.com. I will be submitting editorials on various subjects for your reading enjoyment (hopefully). As you may have guessed, these editorials will be called "Duck Butter". I believe that everyone has strong opinions on many topics and like the Duck Butter, that is currently on your finger, some people have more or less. Some people will admit to them freely (like myself), while some would rather not talk about them. Some people have opinions that are clear and to the point. Some have ones that are clouded and/or "milky". So, as you see, these opinions are not so different from that substance that is now on your mouse. The most important point is that there is nothing wrong with having them. They are simply a part of life.

If you already know me, this posting probably does not surprise you. If you are learning about me for the first time - what you see is what you get. I'm not one to be too PC, nor should I have to be. Two things that I do not like to talk about, mostly because nobody ever wins the discussion, is religion and politics. I work in the "stupid humor" category, so please do not expect anything too deep. The goal is to entertain and educate.

So welcome to GOTW (if you are a first time viewer), and to Duck Butter. I hope it is something to take your mind off of the daily struggles of life - at least for a little while.

I am open to any suggestions for topics. I have a few ideas, but any that you might think of would be great.

Happy reading.

Kirk

Please place your thoughts/critiques/outrage/similar experiences/whatever in the following message forum. Or, take a look at messages/reactions left by others. What's a little duck butter between friends?

Date: 10/05/02 07:50:56 PM
Name: Anonymous

I found your intriguing information on Duck Butter when my friend, Henry kept using the expression and I had never heard it before (in all my 44 years). In his neighborhood, the term is used to describe the substance found under the breasts and in the folds of a fat woman. Any feed back?
Teresa

Reply from Kirk...

Teresa, thanks for the feedback. I would say that Henry's description of Duck Butter is also accurate, as the location of the substance is not as important as the chemical composition of it. I would have to think that it is very possible for Duck Butter to be found under the breasts and in the fat folds of large women (and men, for that matter). My definition of Duck Butter was more from personal experience. I guess anywhere where sweat can collect and be physically "churned" will increase the chances of Duck Butter being found there.

Thanks again,
Kirk

thank you for that. perhaps i'll submit an editorial sometime in the future. for the meantime, i'm going to need a few months to recover from that one. i don't feel so well.

Date: 07/31/02 06:45:54 AM
Name: Stacy
Subject: Duck Butter

I forgot how gross Kirk can be. At least I learned something new. Hopefully he'll use his humor in writing the next article

Date: 07/30/02 04:44:55 PM
Name: GOTW Fan
Subject: Margarine will never be the same...

You wouldn't happen to have a bar of Lava Soap I could borrow? Or at least some FeBreeze? Duck Butter rules!!! I laughed out loud (my co-workers think I'm crazy). Can't wait for the next one.