August 7, 2002

Since we just had our 10 year class reunion (Go '92'!), I would like to share some of my favorite memories from those wonderful years. I know that these are specific to my high school, but I am sure many of you had very similar experiences, just in a different place at a different time. These are in no particular order. Names were not changed to protect the innocent.

1. The Dances
- I do not believe that I missed a single high school dance (except for junior prom - we'll talk about that in a bit). I also never had a date for any of those dances (except Senior prom). Instead, I spent nearly all of the dance flexing my "muscles" in front of the strobe lights with Craig Schlichting. That trick never got old, plus I'm pretty sure the girls really thought that was cool. I'm guessing that they were just too intimidated to approach us. Oh, and the one that I did miss, Junior Prom, I spent over at Lonny Kelsey's house (he was another member of the "overlooked" crew). We spent most of the night debating how many of the girls in our class were getting "deflowered" and why weren't we gettin' some of dat!

2. The Locker Banks
- Man, there were a lot of memories of the locker banks. The inadvertent touches that happened while trapped between two girls as you were trying to get your books out of the locker is a good one. Another one is when Suki got kicked in the hairy beanbags in a case of mistaken identity. Being able to kick open the lockers was great for quick access, but it also allowed others to "stack" your locker. I also recall a lot of people looking to score some quick homework answers from the smart people. People like Kristine and Chad (class brainiacs!) would get hit up nearly every morning for vocab answers and whatnot. They'd all be sitting on the ground "reviewing" each others answers. Can't say I didn't do it a few times - hell, we all did.

3. The Fights
- Overall, I don't really remember that many fights. The one I do remember was told to me. Something about Jason Paulson (class ogre) and his nose being located on the side of his face. I guess it was a site to see. In his defense, it sounded like a cheap shot to me.

4. The Locker Room
- I mostly remember the smell and wondering where that came from. I know I wasn't putting out any odors like that. I got picked on a little bit by some of the older guys from football, but not too bad. The best was when Jason Paulson gave Jaime (our Mexican foreign exchange student) some Icy Hot to use as deodorant. When it first started getting hot, he started waving his hand at it to cool it down with air. Then he moved to the sink and started splashing water on it. I nearly died laughing. A bunch of the guys then ran after Jason - not sure what happened to him.

5. Foods Class
- All I have to say here is "fruit dip". I thank Jamie Beckstrom (this guy peaked on the cool meter in 9th grade. Video games were his downfall) for "losing" that batch of it. For those of you not in the know: We had a special education student in our class that was put in charge of mixing the fruit dip. As she was mixing she was also drooling in it. The aide that was with her didn't even say a word. We all saw it and then Jamie hid it the next day so that we had to make some new dip. Our group won the best pie competition too, despite the fact that we had about 10 times the salt in the crust. That class rocked.

6. The Parties
- Never got invited, so you all can go to hell. OK, I did attend a couple out at Lance Johnson's (a guy who was not too shy about trying to "get some," but probably scored less than anyone). . It was always interesting to see who would end up in the rhubarb first after having a couple and then jumping on the trampoline.

7. The Yearbook
- Every yearbook signature from a girl went somewhat like this:

Kirk,

You are so funny and sweet. I hope you have a great summer. Good luck with the girls!

Love,
(some chick)

What the hell was that all about? If I am so funny and sweet (not to mention I was voted Best Smile), then why in the hell why was I not good enough for any of them to date? OK, so maybe I didn't hit puberty until college, but doesn't that just guarantee that I won't try any funny business? OK, probably not. I wouldn't have known what to do anyway - I still don't.

8. The Friends (warning: bordering on sappy)
- On a more serious note, I would like to thank everyone who befriended me. High school is a tough time for everyone, but if you surround yourself with good friends everything will turn out OK. The countless nights of playing video games, playing tackle football in the arena, running from the cops on Halloween, TP'ing houses, the bonfires, jam ball, poker at Gratke's (our version of Alex P. Keaton), sand vball, etc. All of it was a blast. I wish that all high schoolers have a group of friends that is as special as mine was.

Thanks to everyone for the memories and feel free to submit some of your own to add to mine. Suke will gladly post them.

Happy reading.

Kirk

Please place your thoughts/critiques/outrage/similar experiences/whatever in the following message forum. Or, take a look at messages/reactions left by others. What's a little duck butter between friends?

Date: 08/11/02 12:06:21 PM
Name: Rachel Wilson-Stucke
Subject: Your unique ability...

Kirk - Yes, Even I have been reading your editorials. Your continued ability to go right to the line (and then cross it) make you the Kirk we've all known and loved for so many years. I couldn't help but remember that every time we had to prepare a shopping list for our next foods project we listed all of the ingredients that we needed and would always add "and One Pound of Peanut M&M's". Remember when Mrs. Hille said we HAD to use them so we rolled our chocolate covered bananas in them? And yes, Jamie saved us by throwing out that fruit dip. It might have been a little extra juicy. Oh well, nothing a pound of peanut M&M's couldn't fix! Keep up the good work!

Date: 08/7/02 06:33:28 PM
Name: Shon
Subject: Those were the days.....

I have inside info on why the football team smelled so nasty.....there were a few gents on the team that had lucky t-shirts they would wear for practice and games and would NEVER wash. By the end of the season they began to develop this strange ammonia aroma that reminds me of decaying pig manure. I spent alot of senior year on my face in the hallways because Dave Buhl would sneak up behind me, wrap my legs up and drop me to the floor. I even have the rug burns to show for it. Dave also had an affinity for pointing out to me when our english teacher had her high beams on. "Hey, look, look,.....(I turn my head and look).....she's nippin' out!" You think I would have learned after the first or second time. Well, just goes to show that I'm about as sharp as a marble. Sticking with the x-rated theme, I was in Craig's spanish class senior year. My little brother, Pat, had art class directly across the hall from us. The doors had windows next to them so you could see across the hall into the other class room. Every time my little brother would happen to be looking into our classroom, Craig would flash him some full moon. I think one day Craig even gave Pat the full monty!

Date: 08/7/02 02:28:24 PM
Name: Julie

Subject: Still recovering from Duck Butter I...
I like Duck Butter II.

Date: 08/7/02 05:08:53 AM
Name: CRAIG

Since I was involved in nearly all of those experiences I truly enjoyed the latest installment of Duck Butter. I have a few things to add.... That smell in the boys (not mens) locker room was definitely football team related. Pat and I went to Kirks house to pick him up for tennis. Dissapointingly he was no where to be found, so we walked around the house. Well let's just say his shower is on ground level. Hopefully for Kirk's sake he did go through puberty in college. Kirk in that same foods class do you remember when I accidentally stabbed Scott Zika with a butcher knife and had to go to principals office. If my mom didn't work in the office I might have been in a bind. Here's one of my high school memories.... We were doing an experiment in one of the Chemistry courses and I needed to pick up a basic (opposite of acidic) chemical in a beaker and bring it back to my lab area. Well the tap on the huge jug of base turned to far and continued to run. As I yelled for more beakers, they couldn't come fast enough and I had to plug the container with my finger. After the burning sensation became too much for me I allowed it to spill on the counter. Well it quickly reached the electric outlet and a large flame shot out of the socket and we no longer had the ability to use the outlets. I was a screw off in this class so it didn't help with the student teacher relations. Keep up the good work Kirk and if you need some assistance on future columns give me a buzz.