August 16, 2002

It starts out with some gentle and romantic kissing. Next you start nibbling on her soft ears and neck. Soon the innocent smooching turns into a grope-fest. With your tongue halfway down her throat, your hands begin to wander to a few different areas and the next thing you know you are dry-humping like crazy. You get done with that feeling somewhat satisfied that you "coulda got some" if you had pushed the envelope a little further, but because you are a gentleman (chicken) you backed off (course, you knew, she definitely wanted it, right?). You sit up, give her a smile, and then continue watching the movie that you told her parents you guys were going to do while in the basement (usually something like The Lion King) . Everything seems good in your little teenage world (well except for that moisture in the front of your briefs). The movie concludes, her mom hollars downstairs to let you know that it is getting late and that you need to get going home, and then you stand up. Out of nowhere you feel a deep ache in your nuts that could have only come from her little brother kicking you in the groin. You look around trying to find that little shit, but there is nobody there except for her. What the hell is going on? Welcome to Blue Balls my friend.

Personally, I don't know where the term comes from, because I have checked and they look the same color as normal. For some reason they do feel quite heavy and a little bigger, though (yes, unbelievably, mine can get even bigger) . I guess the extra blood down there can account for that. The only thing that seems to help is not moving at all. Even just standing up hurts, much less scratching them. Trying to "relieve" the pressure is also not an option (also, from a personal note, trying to lift the front end of your car does nothing to help the pain either - Lonny, you liar) . Maybe their purpose is to make it too painful to even try to have sex (with or without a partner). It keeps them youngens from going too far at such a young age.

Which takes me to a tangent (or a couple tangents)...

Hell, nowadays I think they move right from the gentle kissing to the bumpin' uglies. It's just not fair. Most of us had to put our time in acting sweet and buying flowers. We laughed at their parents' jokes and even tried to be good churchgoing young men. Now they just feed the chicks some booze and line of crap - and it works! What is with the slutty girls these days! Where were they when I was in high school! Honestly, yeah that would have been fun once, but a good relationship is much more fulfilling. Kids these days are being raised on TV, movies, and music that has a lot of sexuality in it. I like it, but I don't think I would like my kids being exposed to all of this sexuality at such a young age (I know most of you are shocked). Think I want my 12 year old wearing a thong that say "Hot Stuff" or "Sexy" on the front of the panty? What dirt bag is going to see that? As a kid, the most I knew about sex was from Mrs. Lutz's 8th-grade Health class. Thanks to questions from Kristine, I found out how many calories are in a "load" of sperm and if you can bruise a hard-on or not. I'm don't remember how many calories there are, but I am pretty sure you can't bruise the old one-eyed Willy. I'll research that and let you... after I go and get a dry pair of boxers.

Feel free to submit some of your own stories, comments, or criticisms. We are all friends here, right?

Happy reading.

Kirk

Please place your thoughts/critiques/outrage/similar experiences/whatever in the following message forum. Or, take a look at messages/reactions left by others. What's a little duck butter between friends?

You know I read through the latest installment and there has been a lot of talk about being a guest columnist. At first I was hesitant, who wants to be associated with this line of humor. Well let the truth be known, many of us are or were just like Kirk at one time. If you think his stuff is a little over the edge, well try to relive your uncomfortable portion of life known as puberty. Our group of friends just happened to go through it a lot later in life. On a side note has anyone checked out the ads on the top of this page. I saw one that said something like PEE, see girls peeing on girls for $4.95 for unlimited access. Now do you think Kirk is gross, he's an angle compared to that.

(from Kirk) The old "golden showers" were not anything great...at least not worth $5.