December 27, 2005

It was a beautiful wedding. Christmas lights, fresh snow, a bell choir. It was enchanting. I'm not sure why I got the giggles. There's something about standing in front of people in a formal bridesmaid dress doing nothing that makes me want to laugh. I think that most of it is an emotional release so that I don't cry the whole time, but none the less--I tend to be a giggly bridesmaid. I'm guessing the bride wasn't a fan of this, since she exacted her revenge during the reception...

Now, forcing all of your single friends center stage to grapple over some flowers, I would say, is revenge enough. I can't think of any truly single woman who looks forward to a bouquet toss who is over the age of 12. It's really for those who are "technically single" but are currently enrolled in a "before you say I do" class with their significant other. I have seen bouquet tosses where the bride's sister tackled people to get the flowers...and it always comes across as desperate...and scary...and elicits remarks around the room such as "That's the 6th bouquet she's caught! It's not working, honey!" Which is sad to me. To be honest, I try to avoid bouquet tosses altogether. However, as a bridesmaid, I feel it is my duty to be involved in all activities, so I stayed on the dance floor and tried to get other people to join me out on the floor. That's always the interesting part, because there's always about 2 or 3 minutes of panic where you think, "Is this it? Does the single female population of this banquet hall really consist of me and three 8th graders?" That's when you start searching the crowd for friends you can call out and take down with you. The object is to pack the floor so that your odds of catching the bouquet are as slim as possible...because catching the bouquet means a night of comments such as "So, when's the big day?" "Are you seeing anyone? Got anyone in mind?" "Guess we know who's next." etc. And, really, I've got enough to worry about trying to keep my strapless dress up to be bothered with such silly questions. I'm sure you can see how this is revenge enough for a few giggles in the ceremony...

The bride, however, obviously disagreed. It wasn't enough to merely emotionally scar the single gals, she wanted physical scars. She chose her weapon well. A bouquet of roses (thorns attached) with stems cut at a sharp angle under the guise of absorbing water more efficiently. She topped it of by wrapping it in evergreen branches--the amount of pokey things began to rival grenade shrapnel. Since I was already on the dance floor, the other women who joined me lined up behind me. I had a dilemna...normally I would pick a place in the back and never have to worry about it. But, I couldn't disappear, I was wearing a mile of bright red satin...there was only one thing do, stand in the front and pray that it didn't come to me.

Our petite little bride, I can say with all certainty, has quite an arm on her; because she threw that bouquet all the way to the back of the room...There was however a slight obstacle--my face. There was no arch of this flower bomb--it came at me more like a missile launcher, STEMS FIRST, and I didn't so much catch it as I did simply pull it out of my face. Honestly, that's a lot of pain. And, there's nothing worse than public pain. Because the only thing you can do is laugh, no matter how much you need to cry...I've heard that being hit square in the eyeball is likened to a male being kicked in the gonads...men, I feel your pain. I iced it for the rest of the night to keep the swelling down. But, man, that MoFo is still sore.

The number one comment of the evening was, "Well, at least you're getting married!" Honestly, it got to the point where I would have poked my own eyes out to keep from hearing that ridiculous little phrase. And, it's not that I'm bitter, It's just that I don't feel that helps the situation...if you'd like to make me feel better, tell me you're sorry it happened or offer to get some more ice. Don't tell me that this means I'm going to end up in an abusive relationship...(hint: that's really never funny). Because, honestly, this bundle of flowers does not guarantee I'll meet my future husband...It really only guarantees that I'll meet my future optometrist.

- Alaina

Has it happened to you? Don't feel it's that geeky? Want to defend yourself? E-mail me and we'll post your thoughts.