END OF A DYNASTY?

Gang Green Eliminated from the Play-Offs in the First Round, Earliest Exit in Team History

ASSOCIATED PRESS - Sunday, November 5, 2000 - Minneapolis, MN - Gang Green (formerly Magically Delicious) was pushed out of this year's CSC touch football tournament in the first round, the earliest exit in franchise history (even including the first year when we didn't know the rules). An upset of this magnitude is unmatched in sport history and would rank somewhere along the lines of the Packers beating the Vikings on Monday night. Team Jerks (yeah, I'm referring to that guy in black) was able to upset Gang Green with a plethora of horseshoe type plays including a prayer of an end of the first-half grab for a TD and the luckiest son of a underhand flip catch by this chick who wasn't even looking. Oh yeah, it happened on fourth down too.

When asked about the loss, Mark Deibert responded, "There's really no individual person to blame for this loss... well, maybe Suks, he really stunk up the joint... all those drops and that lack of quality play... yeah, I guess I would blame him for the loss. It might even be safe to say that if he didn't show up, it's a guaranteed Gang Green victory. I think I could say that with 110% confidence. Oh yeah, our defense wasn't too keen either." When questioned about his early retirement, Deibert said, "Yeah, I really can't go out like this, I needed that long sleeve champs t-shirt... I tore the sleeves off of all my other ones. I guess I'll stick around for one more season."

Controversy surrounded the whole game, particularly on the last drive. Instant reply unequivocally showed that Jeffy hauled in a long pass on the last drive that would have guaranteed a Gang Green win (all we had to do at that point was stroll a mere 10 yards in an eternity-like 10 seconds). But, the jittery, slightly overweight, basically physically unattractive half-man, half-boar of a "referee," after thinking it over long enough to basically Epilady all of his back hair, ruled Jeff out-of-bounds. As a far less important note: instant replay would also have shown that Gang Green was given an earlier fourth-down TD that was not even close (again, that's far less important and should banished from the memories at this point). Jeff Schaefer had to be restrained as his temper got the best of him. He was found howling such terms as "chowder-top," "carrot-lips," and "sticky-buns." Jeffy is expecting hefty league fines.

Bill Nielsen, who was completely mauled on the deciding extra point attempt (well, it was a hand in the back, but my imagination has embellished miniscule "facts" since game time) and had the teams only interception (probably all season) commented, "This barely compensates me for the secret 8 year, $72 million deal with Larry Bird rights. Man, I'm a star, not a flashlight... when Billy Bob wants to win, Billy Bob gets a win."

"Man, this is too much for a 28-year old to take" commented Steph Bias, who I must say was looking as dynamic and radiant as ever.

"If you ever need another sub, don't call me, I'll call you, " said a thoroughly unimpressed Jodi Nikko, who was subbing for team sparkplug Tiffany Stoeber, who has already demanded an off-season trade or threatened to go play pro baseball.

Pam Sukhum, who didn't even know it was a play-off game until hours later (seriously) could not be reached for comment.

Throughout the rest of the weekend, in the distance, Craig Schlichting, between shotgun blasts and deer blood splattering, could be heard mumbling "we should have played on a weeknight."

As an addendum, the very next season (Spring 2001), Gang Green went on to take the league title (yes, on a weeknight). End of a Dynasty Schmynasty!