There are just two things about the World Cup that prevent Americans
from caring: it involves soccer and the rest of the world. We could get
over the soccer part eventually, after all, it's kind of like the
soccer we make our suburban children play, only without the goal
scoring. But the global part just isn't going to happen. When I hear
that Tunisia is playing Belgium for the crucial Group H runner-up spot,
all I want is a map. The only way Americans are going to learn another
country's name is if it attacks us.

It's different for the rest of the world. Other countries have all kinds
of disagreements and problems with one another. They are dealing with
one another constantly, making treaties and trading currencies and
whatever else it is they do. The World Cup is mildly entertaining
because you get to see them sublimate their little issues by kicking a
ball at one another, sort of like watching your children
backyard-wrestle. Senegal beats France, and the Senegalese throw a huge
party venting their anger over two centuries of French colonialism.
Imagine how much fun it is for anyone to act superior to the French, and
multiply that by Senegal. And last Friday England and Argentina got to
work out whatever their deal was with those islands. The problem for us,
however, is that it's really hard to work up that much antagonism when
you're a superpower with a short history and friendly borders. Last week
we pulled off a huge victory against Portugal. It didn't make us feel
that great because there's not much Portugal is better at than us, other
than making sweet wine and salted cod. This is a country that has been
in decline since 1494, when in the saddest, most grandiose moment of
self-delusion in history, it actually sat down with Spain and divided up
the world. Not even Brad Grey and Mike Ovitz ever did that, at least not
publicly.

When Iran beat us four years ago, the Iranians went crazy in the
streets. How anyone could have differentiated this from what Tehran
normally looks like, I'm not sure, but apparently there were especially
powerful American-flag flames. But I'm glad they beat us, since we
wouldn't have enjoyed it if we had won. We don't throw ticker-tape
parades for beating Iran at stuff, because if we did, we'd be short on
ticker tape. The only thing we could possibly lose to Iran at besides
soccer is subjugating women. Now that Russia isn't important, there's no
one for us to get juiced about. The Taliban, unfortunately, don't even
have a soccer team, which doesn't make sense since they spend all that
time at camps.

We have the same problem with the Olympics. We like those new fake
sports we force the Olympic committee to include so we can win, like
beach volleyball, snowboarding and major-motion-picture production. But
unless the games are held either in America or Utah, we're not going to
watch people pole vault. Unless they get hurt doing it. Then we'll watch
it over and over again.

Sure, we could watch the World Cup, get rid of our steel tariffs, sign
the Kyoto treaty and build a coalition before invading Iraq, but all
that sounds like a lot of effort. We have enough trouble persuading our
states to get along without involving the rest of the world in our
activities. When we trumpeted globalization, we were pretty clear that
we meant other countries acting like us, not vice versa.

If the world really wants us to watch their cute little no-handsy sport,
they've got to make an effort. The world has done a poor job marketing
this World Cup thing to us. There's no Burger King tie-in, no campaign
with Matthew Perry going Soccer Crazy as a pre-emptive excuse for going
to rehab. Would it be too much to ask that France's Zinedine Zidane
develop Le People's Eyebrow? You know who's doing World Cup commentary
on TV? Me neither, but I'm pretty sure it's not Snoop and Ozzy Osbourne.
I can't understand why I'm not in charge of everything.

And just because Americans grew up playing soccer in adolescence doesn't
mean we want to watch other people do it; we also grew up bowling and
arguing about who should hang up first. The intrinsic problem with
soccer is that a goal can occur at any time, including breaks for
nachos, beer or the bathroom. Unlike the rest of the world, with their
soccer and cricket and goat malleting, we have perfected our sports so
that you only have to tune into the last two minutes to see if Shaq can
hit his free throws. We're a busy people.

Look, we'll watch the World Cup when we win the thing and not a second
before.