It is with a heavy heart that I pass on the following:

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complicatons from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including: Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The graveside was piled high with flours. His longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delievered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he, even as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, it was not to be. Doughboy is survived by his wife (Play Dough) two children (John Dough and Jane Dough), and they also had one in the oven.

He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at about 3:50 for twenty minutes.